Sometimes there are funny stories in the newspaper. When I read the newspaper, I flip through it to check the jokes first, then look at the horoscope. Then afterward, look at strange stories from around the world. The short ones, funny ones, quick ones. (Yes.) Summaries from around the world, after that, the long news articles. Then finally, the long commentaries. Then after that, I gradually read some politics or whatever. If there’s time, digest it bit by bit, if not, just forget it. So many good stories. There are some funny stories. (Yes.) Is there anything else? Did I tell you anything else that’s very funny? (Yes.) Yes, there is something else. You say some, and I’ll remember. Last time there was something. Remember? There were many funny stories, that I translated right away for the attendants, later I forgot them. This one, I just read yesterday, so I still remember it. Oh God! My short-term memory is so bad.
Did I tell some better stories? (Have You told the one from this morning? This morning, about God.) The one about God, I’ve told it already. I told some other stories last time, which were also very funny, remember? Both of you don’t remember. So frustrating. I told you and you don’t remember at all. (We forgot them all.) Yeah. Both of you don’t remember. I told two persons the whole story yesterday, but neither of them remember, so how could I remember by myself? If those two don’t remember, how can I alone remember it? Don’t really remember? Really can’t remember? So frustrating. It’s frustrating! If the two of them don’t remember, so just me, how can I remember? Forget it!
OK. Any questions? Continue. Any more questions? Any requests? Regarding the matter of whether the Center needs cleaning or any expansion, if the working group asks for your help, you all should come. For example, if we take turns once a month, two or three people can come at a time. It’s not like you’ll be coming every day, don’t worry, there are plenty of people. If you don’t hold any position, or have the responsibilities of a core team member, then you have a bit more free time. If you don’t have any specific role, then just come every month or two, depending on your set-up schedule. Once in a while, come by and do a round of cleaning around here, around the ashram. Sweep up the trash or water the flowers, the grass, do something, or clean the kitchen. Once in a while, you have to do a thorough cleaning. You can’t keep it up if you just clean a little every single day. Or every Sunday, you can’t clean on time, since you all eat and then run off, so all of you have to take turns to clean. For instance, it doesn’t have to be every day, maybe once or twice a week. This way, you’ll probably only have to come once every one or two months. But when you come, you have to work properly and with a sense of responsibility. There are only two or three people here, no one else. The work never gets finished. All day and all night just sitting in meditation with your eyes closed – you’re not doing anything. Yeah. That’s it. So that’s it for today. No more of that “pay to publish” stuff is allowed, OK? The author retains the copyright.
(A dying old man called the lawyer. He…) Yes, yes, yes. Yes, but that one… (It’s also very funny.) Not so funny. No. Last time. I did… I translated and told you last time. A very funny one. Remember or not? (The one this morning was funnier.) Which one? (The one about the elephant[-person]. Master’s original joke.) That is my original joke. OK. Those two just reminded me of two funny stories. One, I translated, and the other, I made up. Because once, I… Ah, never mind. Here’s the story of an old man, I’ll tell that story first. Also from a newspaper. Maybe “Tiếng Việt” or “Tiếng Việt Ngày Mai,” or “Người Việt Ngày Mai,” or “Người Việt Ngày Mốt,” something like that.
There was an old man who was about to die, and he wanted to make a will for his children. He had four sons. He called a lawyer and said, “I want to leave a will for my children.” The lawyer said, “Oh, how much do you want to leave? How do you want to divide your assets?” He said, “I’ll give my first son two hundred thousand. My second son, two hundred thousand. My third son, two hundred thousand. My fourth son…” The lawyer interrupted him and said, “Where will you get all that money to leave behind? You don’t have money.” He said, “What’s so hard about it! Make them work. Make those lazy ones work until they’ve earned a full two hundred thousand – that’s all.” He meant to make them work, make them work until they earn two hundred thousand. That’s the old man’s will.
Now, here’s another story, this one I came up with by myself. I came up with it. Because they just reminded me, otherwise I would have forgotten. The other day, we all ate together at the table for breakfast, with (…) and the other. Two or three of them; three or four sitting near me, they were talking about gaining and losing weight. Losing weight, and stuff like that, (Yes.) they said about the ladies nowadays. I said, “How strange! I eat so much, but I don’t gain any weight at all! But how come some ladies, who don’t eat anything yet gain so much weight?” Gaining weight is good, why do you have to…? They said, “Oh Master, gaining weight is expensive.” I said, “Why expensive?” “They have to go get the fat cut out, get slimming treatments and all that. It costs a lot of money.” I said, “Oh, then that’s good for me! I don’t have to spend any money.”
So then I took that chance to tell a joke. Then I said, “I heard there was an elephant(-person) that lost weight on its own. Do you know how?” Losing weight, they dropped five pounds in a day. In one day, they were able to drop weight. I asked them, “Do you know how the elephant(-person) did it, lose five pounds in one day? Ten pounds even – ten pounds!” (…) and the others said they didn’t know. I said, “The elephant(-person) went to see the dentist.” Pulled it out. Pulled two teeth, lost 10 pounds. They said it was funny, really funny. There are many funny stories, but I forgot them, it’s strange. I forgot. Really.
No more questions? Sit there, listening to jokes all day. No questions? (No.) If no questions, then I’m going home. (Just a little longer, Master.) A little longer for what? (Just to see You a bit more.) A little longer is still the same. (It’s been a long time since we’ve seen You, Master.) (Brother Hòa wants to tell a funny story for Master to hear.) Hòa? Oh God, what’s so funny about his stories? Every time he tells one, and about halfway through, he cried, how can it be funny? (Brother Hòa, it’s Brother Hòa.) Hòa? Oh, alright. OK. Hòa, come here, come here. Alright. (Master, I never get tired of looking at You.) Hmm, look for five more minutes, and it’ll cost you five hundred dollars.
(Dear Master, first of all, I wish Master good health and well-being.) Come on, no need for long talk. Just tell the joke already. (Yesterday, Master let Brother […] have tea, and Master said he looked like he was constipated.) When? When was this? (Yesterday, Master, Brother […].) If you keep bringing up old stories, people will feel bad, you know? (Well, it’s just a funny story.) Is (…) here? Talking behind his back, huh? (No, he couldn’t make it. He’s at work.) OK, OK. (Yes. So here’s the story, it happened in France, in French society.) But now (…) is no longer constipated, right? (Yes.) He’s smiling from ear to ear, right? (Yes.) Yeah, after drinking a few cups of tea, he’s rejuvenated. OK.
(Yes, so this man suffered from chronic constipation all year long, and every time he used the restroom in his apartment building, there was always a long line outside. Every time they waited a few hours, people complained a lot. Yes, people complained too much. He also thought it was not nice, so he sat down and thought, “Now I have to change tactics, or else people will hate me and kick me out, and then I won’t know where to live.” So he said, “From now on, I’ll just go out to the cemetery, dig a hole, and do it out there. It’ll be better with the cool breeze and moonlight.” So he went out, and at night he sat out there for over ten hours but still couldn’t go. Then, there was a couple sitting nearby, and the guy said, “Tomorrow I’m leaving, you know.” The girl cried, “Are you really leaving?” “For real!” “But will you come back to take me with you?” “No.” “What if you swore that if you can’t marry me in this life, you will die.” The constipated man sitting nearby said, “If I can’t go tonight, I’ll die too!”) Aiya! What a crude story! You look pretty handsome at home, no wonder your wife scolds you all the time. (Sorry, Master. Maybe I haven’t meditated enough, so I am talking nonsense.) Your mouth’s full of salty words. Was that story supposed to be funny?
(I also want to apologize, Master, because yesterday Ý Lan called to send her regards to You and to thank You very much for the gift You gave her for Tết [Lunar New Year]. Unfortunately, she couldn’t meet You recently. Then, when she planned to visit You as per Your invitation, Cường didn’t let her come. Because of that, she wasn’t able to visit, Master. So today, she called to apologize.) OK. (Yes.) No problem. This is nothing personal. (Yes, maybe next time there could be an opportunity.) No. I said to (…), he can invite other friends but not particularly any person. So, it’s nothing personal. Don’t worry. Because he knows many friends. So, I said if whoever, our friends and your friends want to invite them to Chicago, it’s fine. Whoever wants to come can come. Nothing personal. Alright? Tell them “Don’t worry.” I am not special; I have no personal issues at all. No personal issues. I told (…), “Whoever are your friends, or anyone who used to know me before, anyone can come.” In Chicago, if anyone wants to come, they can come; it’s not like I’m extending special invitations to anyone. No problem. We try to be as friendly as possible with everybody. Meaning we treat everyone warmly. If there are people we can be close to, we treat them well. (Yes.) Alright. Thank you.
Anything else? Anything else? (Master, may I tell a funny story?) What story? Is it really funny? (Yes, it’s sure to get some laughs.) All about constipation! (Dear Master and fellow practitioners, the funny story goes like this. There was an elderly couple, about as old as I am.) You’re not old, you’re still very young. (Yes, it seems that way.) Eighty years old yet? (I’m sure…) Not yet. OK. (They were recounting old days. Two of them,) Too hot. (sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, far apart, talking about the past. The old days. The wife started lamenting, hinting that her husband wasn’t as affectionate anymore, that lately, he hadn’t been close to her.) Probably because they’re old now. (She started sounding a bit resentful, a little sad, and said, “Do you remember how you used to always sit close to me?” But now they were sitting far apart.) Yeah. (“You used to sit right next to me.” So the husband said, “What’s the big deal? Here, right now.” He rushed over and sat close to her, “Is this OK?”) Yeah.
(Then she whispered, “In the old days, you used to hold me tightly in your arms, really tight.” So he put his arm) OK. (around her shoulders and held her tightly, “Is this OK now?”) Wow. (Then she…) Telling his story. (Then she said, “Do you remember? Back then, when you held me like this, you used to) Bite my ear. (sniff at the back of my neck with your nose and nibble on my ear.” So when she said that, he got up and rushed out.) (What else can he say?) (She asked, “Hey, where are you going?”) To get his dentures. (“Hey, dear. No, no, I’ll be right back.” So she asked, “Where are you going?” “I’m running to get my dentures.”) Funny, right? Well, for those who don’t know how two old folks behave, just listen to him. Open a school to teach people. Oh, my God! That’s it? Alright, that’s it. Forget your funny story.
Photo Caption: The Wild Fruit Can B Tamed to Become Deliciously Wow Food!
