I told you that already, I’m sure. I’m sure I told you this [one], but it’s funny, so I’ll tell you again, in case. And beware when you go watch movies or in some crowded place. “There was a lovely and shapely young lady trying to board a city bus. But she was filled with packages and bags and everything, and she was wearing a very tight dress. So, it was difficult for her to step on the bus without her hands; the hands were busy like that. And she’d been waiting there 15 minutes already. And everybody was forming behind her in a queue and trying to board the bus too, and they were pushing. So, she was kind of desperate, so she tried to loosen her dress a little bit in order to climb the steps. So, she saw that nobody noticed, and she pulled down the zipper at the back of her dress, so that it’d become a little looser. And then it didn’t help, so she reached back and pulled a little more. And it still didn’t help. So, still stuck there.” I told you this story. (No.) “So just then, a young man behind her gently picked her up and deposited her onto the bus. And this embarrassed her so much. So, she was gasping, ‘What right do you have to pick me up like that? I don’t even know you!’ So, the man said, ‘Well, after you tried to pull my zipper down a second time, I thought we were pretty good friends.’” We were good friends, no? How would you do that?
“A lady came to report to the police that her husband had disappeared. So, the officer looked at the guy’s photograph and questioned this and that and asked whether she wanted to give her husband any first message if they find him. She said, ‘Yes, yes, please tell him my mother didn’t come. Don’t worry!’”
“There was a guy who was expert in efficiency in the family. He also concluded this lecture with a note of caution, ‘Yeah, but you don’t want to try these techniques at home.’ And the audience asked, ‘Why?’ ‘Oh. Because it has side effects.’ The audience asked, ‘What is that?’ He said, ‘Well, I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for many years. And then I saw that she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinet, often carrying one single item at a time. So, one day I told her, ‘Hun, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’ And the audience asked again, ‘Did she save time?’ ‘Yes, actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast, but now she makes me do it in seven.’”
“An old man went to the doctor and poured out his problem, as the doctor asked what was the matter with him. He said, ‘Well, doc, after the first, I’m very, very tired. After the second, I feel all-in. After the third, my heart begins to pound. After the fourth, I break out in a cold sweat. And after the fifth, I’m so exhausted, I thought I would die there.’ ‘Incredible,’ said the doctor. ‘But how old are you?’ ‘Eighty-five,’ the patient said. And the doctor said, ‘Well, at 85, why don’t you stop at the first?’ He said, ‘But I couldn’t stop. I live on the fifth floor.’” Misinterpreting language.
“There was a tour in Washington, D.C. Some tourists were touring the capital in Washington, D.C., and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman and said, ‘He is the congressional chaplain.’” Right? Chaplain? (Yes.) “And so one of the tourists asked, ‘What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or the House?’ So, the guide answered, ‘No, no, no. He gets up, looks at the Congress, then prays for the country.’” That’s a bad joke. (That was great.) Maybe partially true.
“At the police department, the phone rang, rang, rang. ‘Hallo, hallo!’ the police answered. ‘I’ve lost my cat(-person) and, and...’ And the police said, ‘Sorry, sir, that’s not a job of the police. We are too busy.’ ‘But you don’t understand. This is a very intelligent cat(-person). He’s almost human. He can practically talk.’ So, the police said, ‘Then well, you’d better hang up. He might be trying to phone you.’” Right now.
“Three Irish men, already tipsy, were coming out from the pub, stumbling home late one night and found themselves somewhere in the graveyard on the road home. So, one of the guys said, ‘Hey, hey, John, come over here. It’s Michael Grady’s old grave. God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.’ And the other guy said, ‘Nothing! Come here. There’s a Shawn here. It says here that he was 95 when he died.’ And then the other one said, ‘Ah, forget him. Here is a fella that got to be 150.’ And everybody went there and looked, ‘What’s his name?’ And then everybody stumbled over there and looked. And they found a light to see what else is written on the stone marker. And it said, ‘One hundred fifty miles to Dublin.’” A stone is a stone.
“There was a little six-year-old kid who complained that he has a stomachache. So, the mother said, ‘Oh, that’s because your stomach is empty. You would feel better if you put something in it, if you had something in it.’ So OK, after a while, the minister visited the family. And in the conversation, the minister said that he had suffered all day with a terrible headache.” Pain in the head. “So, the kid came and said, ‘Hah, that’s because it’s empty. You’ll be better if you have something in it.’”
“A couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen cooking the meal, the minister asked their son what they would be having for dinner. And the little boy said, ‘Goat.’ And the minister said, ‘Goat? Are you sure about that?’ ‘Yep,’ said the youngster, ‘I heard dad say to mom: ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today. Otherwise, he’ll be nagging about it.’” And you understood so quick! Poor goat. Hey, Ben.
“A boy asked his grandpa, ‘Were you on Noah’s ark?’ ‘No, of course not,’ grandpa said. ‘Then how come you did not drown?’” Still there.
“There was a person who stayed in a very posh hotel, and he called the head waiter for room service and said very nicely and with a wonderful smile, ‘Good morning, Sir. What a wonderful morning. I’d like two vegan eggs, one of them so undercooked that it’s running, and the other so overcooked it’s like a stone, that you cannot eat it. Also, I want some grilled vegan bacon that has been left out, so it gets a bit cold on one side, and a burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife, vegan butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, almost like water, lukewarm coffee.’ The head waiter said, ‘Wow, sir. That’s a complicated order. It might be quite difficult.’ He said, ‘Oh, why is that? I don’t understand, because that’s what I got yesterday.’” You knew the joke. Some of you laughed in advance. How come you laughed already? Expected something else, huh? But it’s already funny, if you [knew] beforehand. Who will order that kind of thing?
“A man went into a restaurant in a strange city and asked the waiter for some food. And so, the waiter asked what he wanted. And he was kind of lost and homesick, lonely. So he said, ‘A meatloaf, some bread, and a kind word.’ So, when the waiter returned with the meatloaf and the bread, he said, ‘Where is the good word for me?’ So, the waiter put down the meatloaf and sighed and whispered into his ear, ‘Don’t eat the meatloaf!’”
“There was a newsman who sends a letter home. At the end, he put a note saying, ‘I hope this letter reaches you, because the censors are very tough here.’ So, when the letter arrived, another note had been added underneath, ‘There are no censors in the Republic.’” It’s not true.
Hey, Hermit. What? Are you lonely? You want a vegan meatloaf? I love you.
Photo Caption: Life Is So Cool! Love GOD!
